Make “deposits” by creating and building on positive moments with your partner. Emotional savings will serve as a cushion when times get tough.
– Dr. John Gottman

 

Our marriage is our most important adult relationship. We start off so full of good will and hope when we enter a committed relationship, and then over time, the inevitable little disappointments add up, and we may become disillusioned about our partner and our marriage. That commonly happens about two years after you start living together, and the “rose colored glasses” have come off, revealing that, in fact, your partner is imperfect and disappoints you. Many people get stuck at this point in the relationship, and express their disappointment by angry attacks or withdrawal. Its easy for individuals to become focused on the ways that their own needs are not being met, and to get caught in the blame game. It is not so easy to see the ways that we are disappointing our spouse, and that they too are contending with our “warts and wrinkles”. When couples come into counselling, each usually has a list of the ways that the partner has hurt them. By the time they get to counselling, they have a pretty fixed story about their pain and hurt in the relationship. Marriage counselling is non-judgemental in that, unlike the stuckness that couples feel, therapists aren’t looking for the bad guy, or the person to blame. Therapists are looking at patterns of interaction that keep the couple stuck, and which both parties participate in. It can be extremely difficult for any of us to see these patterns in our own marriages, because they are largely unconscious and are often related to our family of origin patterns.

In the quote above, John Gottman recommends viewing your relationship like a bank account. By meeting your partners needs, instead of focusing only on how they aren’t meeting your needs, you can begin to build that good will, which will encourage your partner to respond in kind. Of course, your partner will also need to know what your needs are and be in a position to reciprocate, as you won’t be able to maintain that effort without the synergy of a positive response. Think of anger, withdrawal, passive aggression, and disinterest as withdrawals from the emotional bank account. If you don’t make emotional deposits to meet your partners needs, sooner or later, you will go bankrupt—and that is the time when you give up and get divorced. Again, it’s easy to know what you need in the relationship, but do you know what your partner’s core needs are? If you aren’t sure, check out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire on marriagebuilders.com. Print off a copy for each of you, and complete it individually. Then talk about it together, without blame—just speaking from the heart about what you need to be happy in an intimate relationship. I wish you well in undertaking this—it takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable, especially when you are hurt. Remember that your partner feels the same way, and bring the compassion, non-judgment and care to your partner that you hope to receive back from him or her.