“Generally speaking, controllers see themselves as strong, independent, and in need of no one. Indeed they are usually seen by others in this light, but they battle feelings of powerlessness. They are extremely dependent upon the “other” because of their overriding fear of being disconnected. This fear is so great that their attempts to control the “other” are first and foremost designed to avoid being disconnected…”

Patricia Evans is writing here about people who are controlling. She explores aspects of the personalities of both controlled and controlling people, and the patternsthat reveal themselves in their relationships. As a culture, we tend to focus on the behavior of controlling people as defining the problem of “control” in relationships. In doing so, we may miss the importance of equally recognizing that the controlled person also plays a role—that of “victim”. In order to understand or change one side of the relationship, it is necessary to recognize the context of the whole relationship between the “perpetrator” and the “victim”. It is only when we can see the interplay in the roles that we and the “other” are playing, that we can change the dynamics of control and develop a more genuine connection.

If you would like to read more about the nature of controlling relationships, please read:

“Controlling People” by Patricia Evans