“Generally speaking, controllers see themselves as strong, independent, and in need of no one. Indeed they are usually seen by others in this light, but they battle feelings of powerlessness. They are extremely dependent upon the “other” because of their overriding fear of being disconnected. This fear is so great that their attempts to control the “other” are first and foremost designed to avoid being disconnected…”

Patricia Evans is writing here about people who are controlling. She explores aspects of the personalities of both controlled and controlling people, and the patternsthat reveal themselves in their relationships. As a culture, we tend to focus on the behavior of controlling people as defining the problem of “control” in relationships. In doing so, we may miss the importance of equally recognizing that the controlled person also plays a role—that of “victim”. In order to understand or change one side of the relationship, it is necessary to recognize the context of the whole relationship between the “perpetrator” and the “victim”. It is only when we can see the interplay in the roles that we and the “other” are playing, that we can change the dynamics of control and develop a more genuine connection.

If you would like to read more about the nature of controlling relationships, please read:

“Controlling People” by Patricia Evans

“Whenever we reject a part of our being, we are confirming to ourselves our fundamental unworthiness… Like being stuck in quicksand, our frantic efforts to get away from our badness sink us deeper…As Carl Jung states in one of his key insights, the unfaced and unfelt parts of our psyche are the source of all neurosis and suffering…When we learn to face and feel the fear and shame we habitually avoid, we begin to awaken…We free ourselves to respond to our circumstances in ways that bring genuine peace and happiness.” (Tara Brach)

It is becoming increasingly common to integrate Buddhist teachings and practices with psychotherapy. The use of meditation in daily life helps us to nonreactively face and accept the pain inherent in being human. By bringing nonjudgmentand awareness to our inner experience, we can come to know ourselves, freeing us to move forward in a mindful way. Becoming fully awake and alive in our lives requires the ability to be fully present in each moment. Meditation can offer the opportunity to experience moment to momentpresence, and to deepen our understanding of and compassion for ourselves and our own reactions.

If you would like to read more about integrating meditation and Buddhist principles with psychotherapy, please read:

“Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach
or
“Full Catastrophe Living”, by Jon KabatZinn

“If we do not know about our own family history, we are more likely to repeat past patterns or mindlessly rebel against them, without much clarity about who we really are, how we are similar to and different from other family members, and how we might best proceed in our own life…Using our anger effectively requires first and foremost a clear “I”…We can not hope to realize the self, however, in isolation from individuals on our family tree…when we do not know these things, we do not know the self. And…we will be prone to intense angry reactions in all sorts of situations, in response to which we will blame others, distance ourselves, passively comply, or otherwise spin our wheels.”

In this passage, Harriet Lerner is referring to the use of anger in defining our sense of self. If we don’t listen to what our anger is telling us about ourselves in a relationship, and manage those feelings of anger appropriately, we will have difficulty with intimacy and closeness. Not being able to handle anger constructively leads to reactivity, which signals in destructive ways of dealing with our uncomfortable feelings. In order to be constructive in highly charged emotional situations, we need to be able to understand clearly our own issues and goals in an interaction. We can then choose the path most likely to reflect a responsive (thoughtful) position, versus striking out, distancing, blaming or taking a passive position. By understanding our own history and triggers, we are empowered because we free ourselves from old (perhaps intergenerational) patterns and thought processes which we might otherwise be unaware of.

If you would like to read more about intimacy and the role of anger in defining relationships, please read:

“The Dance of Anger”‘ by Harriet Lerner
“The Dance of Intimacy”, by Harriet Lerner

“He who fears something gives it power over him.”
Moorish Proverb

“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.”
Marie Curie

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

“Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you’re scared.”
Edward Rickenbacker

These are all quotes which David Tolin uses in describing how we can take control of our own anxiety and fears. He draws heavily on research and provides clear steps to identifying and mastering fear, whether it is mild, moderate or severe. It is impossible to master fear through avoidance. If we are to master our fears, we have to walk into the lion’s den—we have to face it. We don’t have to do that all at one time, however. It can be done gradually and carefully, so that you are able to develop coping skills in a step-by-step fashion. Fear doesn’t have to dominate your life. By understanding and preparing for that which you fear most, you can learn to prevent and overcome it.

If you would like to read more about this, Please see:

“Face Your Fears: A Proven Plan to Beat Anxiety, Panic, Phobias and Obsessions” by David Tolin

“Although conflict is likely to be associated with negative feelings and, under some circumstances, to be perceived as a potential threat, conflict may also provide an opportunity for enhancing intimacy and for improving communication. First, disagreements allow partners to express personal thoughts and feelings, which may lead to greater feelings of intimacy…Second, disagreements may give partners a chance to learn and establish constructive strategies for adjusting to each other’s needs…”

The authors of this paper are discussing differences in attachment styles in adult relationships. If people are able to develop secure attachments, conflict doesn’t have to threaten a relationship—in fact, it can strengthen the bond by allowing problems to be negotiated and resolved. We feel safe and cared for when we are able to work our differences through with our partner. If we are afraid of conflict, avoiding it or overreacting to it will reduce the intimacy that we are able to achieve.

If you would like to read more about this, please see:

“Adult Attachment” Edited by W. Rholes and J. Simpson (This particular article is entitled “Interpersonal Aspects of Attachment” by P. Pietromonaco, D. Greenwood, and L. Feldman Barrett.)

“When we are bereaved, an event…has left our lives more or less in shambles. Much has happened that can not be undone, no matter how fervently we may desire it…If we are to pick up the pieces of our lives and go on without those who have died, we must…choose to cope rather than succumb.”

Coping with grief is an active process that requires that we change or patterns and direction in life. Although we have no choice in bereavement, we can make choices in our grieving. The author of this quote is saying that, although so much of what we took for granted in our lives is now gone, we can build a reshape our lives and build a new relationship with the deceased.

If you would like to read more about this perspective on grief, please see:

“How we Grieve” by Thomas Attig