One of the most common reasons that couples request counselling is because they feel emotionally and sexually disconnected.

“…keeping passion and intimacy alive requires facing the anxiety of defining yourself while getting close to your partner.”

In this quote, David Schnarch is referring to the process of individuation. He means that in order to have a vibrant, emotionally and sexually satisfying relationship, we have to be able to balance the force for togetherness with the force for individuality. In other words, passionate marriage requires that we be able to emotionally connect without sacrificing our sense of self. This is no small feat, given the push-pull of any marriage or long term relationship. We may be so afraid of losing our partner that we either don’t allow ourselves to get emotionally close (disengagement), or we get too close to avoid loss (fusion), and end up losing ourselves. Either pattern will diminish the potential intimacy that a couple may have.

If you’d like to read more about this approach to relationship satisfaction, please see:

“Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch