“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.” — Louis de Berniere

How often I have couples that come into my office in distress because, as they tell me, they “…love each other, but are no longer in love.” They feel that they have drifted emotionally away from each other, and may feel more like room mates or siblings than romantic partners. In other words, the “pretty blossoms have fallen away”. This is especially prevalent at two places in the life cycle of the couple—that is when children are born, and when children leave home. Why is that? Couples with young children are generally very stretched for time, energy and resources. They are caring for the never ending demands of the baby or child, sleep deprived, building their careers, managing their home and property, possibly commuting or traveling for work, or looking after aging parents. If they are a younger couple, they may not have established themselves financially yet, which may limit the resources available to them to assist in the demands of parenting, such as babysitters. They are treading water as fast as they can just to keep their heads above the water line. It’s all work and no play. Often, in women, this translates into a low sex drive, and in men it shows itself as low communication or withdrawal. In both cases, the partner is depleted, which leaves no energy for romance or meeting each other’s needs. It doesn’t take much of this to feel like the thrill is gone, as BB King would say.

Couples who are dealing with grown children leaving home, or the “empty nest syndrome” as it is frequently called, are facing a similar but longer term problem. These are usually couples who have devoted themselves to their children throughout their marriages to such a degree that they regularly sacrificed their individual or marital needs to satisfy the demands of the family. Over time, this type of couple spends very little time together pursuing interests, talking or having fun alone together. Sex tends to become rote and they feel that they have little in common any more. When the kids leave, these couples are forced to face the void that is left, and the disengagement that has taken over where once there was passion and connection. They are no longer meeting each other’s core emotional needs.

Both situations can generally be avoided by remembering that the family is only as strong as the couple. Couples need to prioritize date nights and time to connect physically and emotionally. Put the time aside for this today, much like you put money aside for your RRSP throughout the year. Intimacy is not a light switch that you can just turn on and off—it requires maintenance and attention. So call your partner and set up a date night—help those roots keep growing toward each other!

Make “deposits” by creating and building on positive moments with your partner. Emotional savings will serve as a cushion when times get tough.
– Dr. John Gottman

 

Our marriage is our most important adult relationship. We start off so full of good will and hope when we enter a committed relationship, and then over time, the inevitable little disappointments add up, and we may become disillusioned about our partner and our marriage. That commonly happens about two years after you start living together, and the “rose colored glasses” have come off, revealing that, in fact, your partner is imperfect and disappoints you. Many people get stuck at this point in the relationship, and express their disappointment by angry attacks or withdrawal. Its easy for individuals to become focused on the ways that their own needs are not being met, and to get caught in the blame game. It is not so easy to see the ways that we are disappointing our spouse, and that they too are contending with our “warts and wrinkles”. When couples come into counselling, each usually has a list of the ways that the partner has hurt them. By the time they get to counselling, they have a pretty fixed story about their pain and hurt in the relationship. Marriage counselling is non-judgemental in that, unlike the stuckness that couples feel, therapists aren’t looking for the bad guy, or the person to blame. Therapists are looking at patterns of interaction that keep the couple stuck, and which both parties participate in. It can be extremely difficult for any of us to see these patterns in our own marriages, because they are largely unconscious and are often related to our family of origin patterns.

In the quote above, John Gottman recommends viewing your relationship like a bank account. By meeting your partners needs, instead of focusing only on how they aren’t meeting your needs, you can begin to build that good will, which will encourage your partner to respond in kind. Of course, your partner will also need to know what your needs are and be in a position to reciprocate, as you won’t be able to maintain that effort without the synergy of a positive response. Think of anger, withdrawal, passive aggression, and disinterest as withdrawals from the emotional bank account. If you don’t make emotional deposits to meet your partners needs, sooner or later, you will go bankrupt—and that is the time when you give up and get divorced. Again, it’s easy to know what you need in the relationship, but do you know what your partner’s core needs are? If you aren’t sure, check out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire on marriagebuilders.com. Print off a copy for each of you, and complete it individually. Then talk about it together, without blame—just speaking from the heart about what you need to be happy in an intimate relationship. I wish you well in undertaking this—it takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable, especially when you are hurt. Remember that your partner feels the same way, and bring the compassion, non-judgment and care to your partner that you hope to receive back from him or her.