“If we do not know about our own family history, we are more likely to repeat past patterns or mindlessly rebel against them, without much clarity about who we really are, how we are similar to and different from other family members, and how we might best proceed in our own life…Using our anger effectively requires first and foremost a clear “I”…We can not hope to realize the self, however, in isolation from individuals on our family tree…when we do not know these things, we do not know the self. And…we will be prone to intense angry reactions in all sorts of situations, in response to which we will blame others, distance ourselves, passively comply, or otherwise spin our wheels.”

In this passage, Harriet Lerner is referring to the use of anger in defining our sense of self. If we don’t listen to what our anger is telling us about ourselves in a relationship, and manage those feelings of anger appropriately, we will have difficulty with intimacy and closeness. Not being able to handle anger constructively leads to reactivity, which signals in destructive ways of dealing with our uncomfortable feelings. In order to be constructive in highly charged emotional situations, we need to be able to understand clearly our own issues and goals in an interaction. We can then choose the path most likely to reflect a responsive (thoughtful) position, versus striking out, distancing, blaming or taking a passive position. By understanding our own history and triggers, we are empowered because we free ourselves from old (perhaps intergenerational) patterns and thought processes which we might otherwise be unaware of.

If you would like to read more about intimacy and the role of anger in defining relationships, please read:

“The Dance of Anger”‘ by Harriet Lerner
“The Dance of Intimacy”, by Harriet Lerner